To those who have never asked a stranger to dance, the process may appear to be a simple matter of approaching with sufficient confidence to express your desire and with sufficient humility to accept a no should that be their response. But social dancers know this seeming simplicity hides a deep undercurrent of nuance. Tango, in particular, has many explicit and implicit customs for what is considered a proper way to ask. The purpose these customs serve is worthy of consideration, if for no other purpose than for dancers to better understand what is appropriate. But asking someone to dance also provides an opportunity to examine a fundamental aspect of human interaction. Like how each piece of a fractal tells us about the larger shape, understanding the complexities of asking someone to dance provides insights into broader human interactions. When we ask someone to dance, we are expressing our interest in an interaction that may or may not be desirable for the other person. The same general framework holds for interactions such as asking someone for their time and attention, asking to engage in a conversation, asking for help and support, for a date, for a kiss, for intimacy.
If you ask someone to dance and they accept, then you could both enjoy a positive interaction. The challenge is that we do not know what other people are thinking or feeling. There is the possibility that you ask them to dance but they would prefer not to dance with you. In statistics, this is called a “false positive” or an “error of commission.” You have put the other person in the difficult position of either feeling bad about saying no or saying yes but wishing they said no. You can of course avoid this discomfort by not asking them to dance. But then you run the risk of you both missing out on a positive experience. This is sometimes called a “false negative” or an “error of omission.”
Many social norms are there to balance the competing errors of omission and commission. You want to reduce the times you ask someone who would prefer not to be asked and also reduce the times you don’t ask someone who would have wanted to dance with you. The process of eye contact and cabeceo used in tango is a way to reduce the chance of asking someone to dance who is not interested. Both parties need to make eye contact for an ask to occur, so unwanted asks can be reduced by avoiding eye contact. The tradeoff is that it can increase the number of positive interactions that do not occur. This tradeoff between unwanted dances and missed dances can be reduced but never avoided. I have at times spent months thinking someone did not want to dance with me only to find out later that we were merely unlucky enough to not look at each other at the same time.
Once we understand what the social norms are there for, we can adjust them to the situation. For example, how far away should we stand when trying to cabeseo? My belief is that the answer depends on who you are asking to dance. The farther away you are, the less pressure they feel to say yes; the closer you are, the less likely they are to miss you. If you are asking someone new, then it is often preferable to cabeceo a bit further away. Better to miss a dance or two than to pressure someone into a dance that they later resent. Meanwhile, if you are asking someone with whom you have a history of nice dances, then you may use a more direct cabeceo. My partner and I will often directly ask each other whether we want to dance because we know we like dancing with each other and we both feel comfortable saying no if we are tired or looking to dance with someone else. Because we are not worried about causing negative experiences, we can ask in a way that avoids missed opportunities.
When asking someone for something, a dance or otherwise, it is not enough to simply be willing to accept a no. Forcing someone to say no can still be forcing them to do something they would have preferred not to do. This is the art of asking. Before asking, you want to assess whether the other person has indicated they want to be asked. If they look excited to dance, if you have had an enjoyable dance before, if you saw them looking your way earlier, or if they are currently looking your way are all positive indicators. If the music starts and they seem to be in deep conversation, or if they are looking down or looking away then you may want to wait. We recently had a student tell us about how someone asked them to dance by tapping our student’s shoulder and then offering their hand. Please don’t be that person, have confide. The approach that I try to take is one of considerate confidence. Have confidence that people want to dance with you and that it is ok to ask. People came to dance, and you are offering a positive opportunity. But also, be considerate and caring about who you ask and how you ask.
So, what if you ask and they say no? Be it ego or wounded pride, or just sadness from missing out on dancing with the person who said no, it doesn’t feel very good. Yes, it is just a dance, but it still sucks. It is ok to admit that to yourself. You may even feel some initial confusion or resentment towards the other person. This is normal. But here is the thing to remember and to always keep in mind. The other person gave you an invaluable gift by sharing their honest preferences with you. It takes a lot of courage to say no, to express our preferences honestly, and we want to be the kind of person who supports that courage. The psychologist and author Marshal Rosenberg said that “The main difference between a request and a demand is not how nicely we say it, but how we treat people when they don’t do what we want.” Don’t turn your request into a demand by punishing the other person for saying no. They don’t need to say yes, they don’t need to give an explanation, and you do need to have care and kindness towards them. Asking someone to dance can be valuable training in this respect. Are you someone who can take rejection with grace, keeping kindness towards the person who declined you, or are you are someone who cannot accept or tries to punish someone for their honesty when their honesty does not conform to your desires? The choice is yours.
There is a final aspect worth mentioning. So far, we have discussed navigating uncertainty regarding the other person’s preferences. But we may also consider uncertainty regarding our own preferences. We may ask someone only to wish we hadn’t, and we may skip over someone because we didn’t know that we would have enjoyed dancing with them. Something to always remember. If you ask someone to dance, take care of them even if you end up not enjoying dancing with them. They took a chance on you by agreeing to be in your embrace and put their trust into your care.[1] If you find yourself often in the situation of dancing with people you wish you hadn’t, then maybe consider why you are asking the people you are asking? If you ask because you feel pressured to do so, or because you feel obligated, or you ask because of what they are and not who they are, the more likely you are to be disappointed. The more you ask from a place of honesty and curiosity, the more likely you are to have a magical experience. One last thing to keep in mind is that we often fear the unknown, so we tend to ask the people we already know who we already know will say yes. But some of the most joyous dances are with someone new. Take the chance to ask someone you may not initially think to ask.
[1] We should feel empowered to protect ourselves from chance of injury or inappropriate behavior, which do take precedent over concerns of disappointing the other person.